DVDumpster: The Dependables
By: Nik S
Family can be one of the strongest bonds that people will go to great lengths to help their loved ones. It's something that a movie can use as a plot device to motivate their characters to do things way out of their normal character. If done well then we have an enjoyable film on our hands, if done poorly then we get The Dependables.
If you can't tell by the title alone, it's supposed to be a spoof off of The Expendables though the two are nothing alike. Well, it's probably a spoof of that title or on the brand of adult diapers.
I'm not sure I'm comfortable with either answer.
It was originally tiled Pride of Lions, which would have given this straight-to-DVD movie some originality, and stars a very unique cast of old TV and movie stars (like Louis Gossett Jr. from Jaws 3 and the classic Louis Lane, Margot Kidder). The film was shot in Canada, which is interesting because it's supposed to follow retired United States soldiers (well, one's a college professor, a Navy SEAL, a ranger, marine, a sergeant, etc.).
So one thing that bugs me is that on the cover that only the males are front and center, with no Margot Kidder in sight.
They also have Seymour Cassel front and center, which makes him look like he's a wannabe Hannibal Smith from the A-Team. I'm not too sure why he's the center focus, as his character doesn't even have the most lines, nor does he even do much to help drive the plot forward. He's not a producer or director so it's just puzzling why he's the main focus of the cover.
Another thing I just can't get my head around is who exactly made, produced, and distributed this film. There's plenty of information on the internet, but depending on what site you go to it's all different. So most sites state that Moonstone Films were the distributor, but on my DVD copy they're not mentioned anywhere. There's not a straight answer in any site, but on my DVD it says Phase 4 Films and Tajj Media are the distributors and Rollercoaster Entertainment and Vortex Words + Pictures were the production companies, along with... Canada?
Yeah, apparently this movie was shot in Toronto, Canada, and Sault Ste. Marie, Ontario. A movie that is supposed to be about retired United States military members, and takes place primarily in Afghanistan was all shot in Canada. This movie is leading up to high expectations already.
I originally thought this film was going to be a comedy, as the taglines were "they're old, they're clueless, but they're the only hope we've got." and "you can't run. Neither can they." The front and back cover absolutely ham it up with the "we're old" gag going for them, and random explosions on the back cover.
There are three helicopters in this whole movie, and they ain't a Chinook.
So it's hard to tell whether this movie is supposed to be based on the case. Is it action-packed, or full of laughs? The answer is: they tried to aim somewhere in the middle, but ultimately missed.
The movie opens with our main cast receiving an upsetting phone call while they're in the middle of work or lounging.
A reminder that this movie came out in 2014, everyone only has a flip-phone.
It's also in the first five minutes when everyone is getting their phone calls that we see Dominic Ackers (Cassel) hanging at a restaurant with his pals, and they all happen to check out a young woman's behind.
They decide to do a closeup of her backside, to show off her goods I guess. But I never knew pervy old men were into flat surfaces.
I guess keep old men away from tables, walls, counters, and doors because they might get turned on.
Oh baby, love your curves. What you doing Saturday night?
So after they all receive their phone calls they go to an army base with their families to be briefed on the fact that their grandchildren were overtaken by Afghani forces and are now their prisoners. This doesn't sit well with the grandparents as they all want the army to do something about it, but the captain and sergeant leading the briefing dodge questions. The grandparents start to talk like they would take the matters into their own hands if need be, and the captain walks straight out of the room. The sergeant, who is considerably older than the officer who outranks him, tells them to meet him at a bar at the hotel.
With the headshots that we have of the grandchildren, there are two things that I'd really like to point out. One is the most obvious, why do we just have a random headshot of the actor and not one in uniform like the rest? Why is his in black and white? Maybe the actor was all "no, straight on colored shots make me look horrible! Use one of my headshots my manager gave you of my good side." The second thing I'd like to point out is that their ranks are upside down.
I'll admit, I didn't catch that on my first watch through, but got curious what the patch for specialist looked like.
The next scene cuts to the outside of a Comfort Inn where it's supposed to be the late evening, but I'm guessing they were rushed for time as it's clearly noon in the shot. All they did was dim the lighting in post and called it good.
So the next few minutes is basically filler for the movie. The sergeant shows up and tells the grandparents that if the army wanted to find the missing grandkids they definitely would have by now. They bicker for a bit, talk about their old ranks (except the professor, who says he'll fire a gun if he has to), and decide they're going to do something about it. There's also a scene with some odd sexual tension between retired marine sniper Mick Skinner (Svenson) and former ranger Jean Dempsey (Kidder).
Before they head out on Skinner's private plane, who has been doing research on Afghanistan and is very wealthy apparently, the sergeant comes to try and talk them out of it one last time. He brings out their medical records and mentions that they have bum hips, arthritis, and even taking viagra. As he leaves, Dempsey asks the group who's "the pervy old goat?" And, well, they all start bleating like goats. Actually, I can't say it sounded like they were pretending to be goats, more like they looked into the abyss, lost their sanity, and started making unhuman like screams.
They head into the heart of Afghanistan disguised as doctors to help aid the soldiers on the battlefield for injuries. They're surrounded by lush forests with plenty of pine trees, which a google search can show you that Afghanistan isn't just one giant desert. But the thing to point out is that while they do have pines and maples, the ones our heroes find themselves surrounded by are the wrong kinds.
When they arrive they take a large black van to head towards the nearest military base in the area. They take a rest stop for Dempsey to use the forest as a restroom when an army patrol drives by to investigate the local area.
So to make up for the limitation of not being near any deserts in the middle of Canada, the crew decided that the next best thing would be a rock quarry. It's painfully obvious that they're all in the middle of a quarry, one where they use a different location in it each time they're doing a firefight.
So the patrol is ambused after a landmine goes off, injuring the man arming the turret on their vehicle. The landmine going off looks more like a Power Ranger struck the monster of the week rather than an actual explosion.
The movie's landmine blowing up.
An actual landmine exploding.
Now I'm no expert on explosions, but I have a feeling that most (if not all) those in the patrol truck would have been perfectly safe from the explosion.
Not this guy though.
RIP in Peace.
So everyone, including the grandparents, takes cover and pull out their weapons against the attacking Afghani forces. Well, the grandparents don't really hide they just kind of stand there, wide open, and shoot their guns.
Pew pew pew, I'm a Navy SEAL
Another thing that I would like to point out here is that there are apparently not that many naturally tanned skinned people in Canada apparently, as in this world's movie most people from Afghanistan are white people with turbans covering their faces or really bad fake beards.
This guy in particular just makes me laugh. He's wearing a black turban surrounding every part of his head, including his eyes, a green plaid dress-shirt, khakis, and black dress shoes. It's like they found the most Canadian dad who was working in the quarry and asked him if he'd like to be in their movie.
So they take out their attackers and are able to get the guy on the turret to a nearby base to get patched up. The commanding officer of the base can basically see right through the old folks and calls them out, threatening he's going to find out what they're up to and send them back to the states. The sergeant from the beginning happens to be there as well. He introduces Skinner to Hitchcock and his band of overweight mercenaries with man-buns to get the grandparents a new vehicle since theirs got shot up.
So they get a small white bus as their new transportation, and the sergeant basically goes AWOL to help out the rag-tag group of elderlies with their mission. While they drive to their next destination, apparently all cadences are the same for every branch of the military, because they all just start singing along together. Once they get to their destination, where their grandchildren were ambushed, Skinner brings out new army uniforms for everyone but gave some the wrong ranks.
Also, we get this really out of the blue transition to enter and exit the scene where they try on the uniforms. It's a swivle effect, like one that you can find in a PowerPoint presentation.
They reach the outpost where their grandchildren were stationed and find their scorched items, like photos, guitars, and books lying around as well as a stockade of guns and ammo. As they all reminisce about their grandkids. Turns out even though most of these people served in the military, NONE of them have finger discipline. Their finger is right on the trigger, ready to shoot at any second.
It turns out that there are children scouting the area and alert a nearby troop of Afghani forces of their whereabouts. The sergeant sets off some explosives that are surrounding the outpost before they engage, causing one of their attackers to do a little bunny hop with his knee to fall over.
Of course a firefight ensues, and everyone starts easily taking out the enemy.
Also, this guy gets shot and has a big ol' red hole in the middle of his chest.
And not even two seconds later it's gone.
One thing to learn about this movie is that it's not at all consistent. Things kind of happen for no real reason what-so-ever. Like how in the same fight, our pervy Navy SEAL gets shot in his right wrist (to which he makes a painful expression BEFORE getting shot). But in the next shot it's his left wrist that's injured.
They're able to push back their attackers, and find out that this is the group that has their grandchildren. Even though they are right there in their line of site, the group heads back to base to get patched up.
While at the base, the commanding officer finds out who they are and what they're there for and informs them they are going back on the first flight back to the states. It's around here when to no one's surprise they're ambushed (it's a common theme). The grandparents show their worth and drive off the attacking forces, and the commanding officer decides to look the other way.
Hancock allows the group to stay with him, and thinks his men know where their grandchildren are being taken off to. Dempsey takes a look at Hancock's delivery board with an ominous expression, and then we're pushed into the next scene.
So while the grandparents distract the guards, Hancock and his men rescue the grandchildren. Sounds pretty straight forward, right? Well as it turns out, Hancock only helped them so he could invade the base for drugs and weapons and leaves the captured soldiers behind.
While this is all happening there's some forced tension between Jones (Gossett) and Skinner. Gossett is upset with Skinner acting like he's the one in charge, and wants everyone to salute him. I just want to note that no one has saluted him this entire movie, and we're past the one hour mark.
The gang head into the nearest town with their tails between their legs, feeling ultimately defeated. Apparently the reason Skinner has been a jerk to the entire crew is to test their loyalty to the mission. He makes a fake threat about hiring mercenaries to replace them because they're too old and slowing down the mission. Jones goes off on a rant, says he'll do it without him, and that somehow earns Skinner's trust.
After this Skinner starts assigning them the correct ranks, and giving them guns to show that he's not at all a bad person. He just likes to be a do arrogant things to test his crew for their loyalty. What a man.
They're able to track down Hancock's truck, thanks to Dempsey looking at his delivery board, and steal it. The stuff that Hancock stole belongs to a local arms peddler, gang leader, or whatever he is (they're never quite clear), and they get in touch with his French lawyer they met for half a second in one scene in order to make a trade for their grandchildren.
The grandparents rigged the truck full of the enemy's supplies with explosives in case the deal turned sour.
Well right when they're about to get their grandkids back, Hancock shows up and steals the trigger away from Skinner. The gang leader snags a gun and again holds the missing soldiers hostage again for his escape.
I'll spare you most of the details of the final few minutes, as it's quite boring. So they take the grandchildren to the other side of the rock quarry. The Afghani leader and Hancock start to make a trade deal as the grandparents are able to rescue their grandchildren. So once they're all back at the bus, rather than fleeing they decide to stay and fight the remaining forces. They're overpowered and are held hostage, again, and the leader informs his troops to kill them as soon as he leaves with the goods.
Turns out during the firefight, Hancock accidentally dropped the trigger. So as it seems like the bad guys are just about to leave, Skinner steps on the detonator and explodes the truck. The troops fight the distracted Afghans, take their weapons, and are able to leave the scene in peace.
The movie wasn't the worst I've ever seen, but it was still pretty bad. There were so many military and cinematic faux pas that you can't help but groan throughout the entire film. It felt like a very pitiful attempt at making an action flick with some older stars, and it ended up feeling like "listen to these old people talk for an hour and a half with some explosions and gunfire mixed in." It's certainly not an easy film to sit through unless you're watching with another person to make fun of it. To make it especially funny for yourself, watch it with someone who is or has served in the military like I did. They'll get so upset about the most basic things that this movie overlooks, and it will make the movie ten times more bearable.
Family can be one of the strongest bonds that people will go to great lengths to help their loved ones. It's something that a movie can use as a plot device to motivate their characters to do things way out of their normal character. If done well then we have an enjoyable film on our hands, if done poorly then we get The Dependables.
If you can't tell by the title alone, it's supposed to be a spoof off of The Expendables though the two are nothing alike. Well, it's probably a spoof of that title or on the brand of adult diapers.
I'm not sure I'm comfortable with either answer.
It was originally tiled Pride of Lions, which would have given this straight-to-DVD movie some originality, and stars a very unique cast of old TV and movie stars (like Louis Gossett Jr. from Jaws 3 and the classic Louis Lane, Margot Kidder). The film was shot in Canada, which is interesting because it's supposed to follow retired United States soldiers (well, one's a college professor, a Navy SEAL, a ranger, marine, a sergeant, etc.).
So one thing that bugs me is that on the cover that only the males are front and center, with no Margot Kidder in sight.
They also have Seymour Cassel front and center, which makes him look like he's a wannabe Hannibal Smith from the A-Team. I'm not too sure why he's the center focus, as his character doesn't even have the most lines, nor does he even do much to help drive the plot forward. He's not a producer or director so it's just puzzling why he's the main focus of the cover.
Another thing I just can't get my head around is who exactly made, produced, and distributed this film. There's plenty of information on the internet, but depending on what site you go to it's all different. So most sites state that Moonstone Films were the distributor, but on my DVD copy they're not mentioned anywhere. There's not a straight answer in any site, but on my DVD it says Phase 4 Films and Tajj Media are the distributors and Rollercoaster Entertainment and Vortex Words + Pictures were the production companies, along with... Canada?
Yeah, apparently this movie was shot in Toronto, Canada, and Sault Ste. Marie, Ontario. A movie that is supposed to be about retired United States military members, and takes place primarily in Afghanistan was all shot in Canada. This movie is leading up to high expectations already.
I originally thought this film was going to be a comedy, as the taglines were "they're old, they're clueless, but they're the only hope we've got." and "you can't run. Neither can they." The front and back cover absolutely ham it up with the "we're old" gag going for them, and random explosions on the back cover.
There are three helicopters in this whole movie, and they ain't a Chinook.
So it's hard to tell whether this movie is supposed to be based on the case. Is it action-packed, or full of laughs? The answer is: they tried to aim somewhere in the middle, but ultimately missed.
The movie opens with our main cast receiving an upsetting phone call while they're in the middle of work or lounging.
A reminder that this movie came out in 2014, everyone only has a flip-phone.
It's also in the first five minutes when everyone is getting their phone calls that we see Dominic Ackers (Cassel) hanging at a restaurant with his pals, and they all happen to check out a young woman's behind.
They decide to do a closeup of her backside, to show off her goods I guess. But I never knew pervy old men were into flat surfaces.
I guess keep old men away from tables, walls, counters, and doors because they might get turned on.
Oh baby, love your curves. What you doing Saturday night?
So after they all receive their phone calls they go to an army base with their families to be briefed on the fact that their grandchildren were overtaken by Afghani forces and are now their prisoners. This doesn't sit well with the grandparents as they all want the army to do something about it, but the captain and sergeant leading the briefing dodge questions. The grandparents start to talk like they would take the matters into their own hands if need be, and the captain walks straight out of the room. The sergeant, who is considerably older than the officer who outranks him, tells them to meet him at a bar at the hotel.
With the headshots that we have of the grandchildren, there are two things that I'd really like to point out. One is the most obvious, why do we just have a random headshot of the actor and not one in uniform like the rest? Why is his in black and white? Maybe the actor was all "no, straight on colored shots make me look horrible! Use one of my headshots my manager gave you of my good side." The second thing I'd like to point out is that their ranks are upside down.
I'll admit, I didn't catch that on my first watch through, but got curious what the patch for specialist looked like.
The next scene cuts to the outside of a Comfort Inn where it's supposed to be the late evening, but I'm guessing they were rushed for time as it's clearly noon in the shot. All they did was dim the lighting in post and called it good.
So the next few minutes is basically filler for the movie. The sergeant shows up and tells the grandparents that if the army wanted to find the missing grandkids they definitely would have by now. They bicker for a bit, talk about their old ranks (except the professor, who says he'll fire a gun if he has to), and decide they're going to do something about it. There's also a scene with some odd sexual tension between retired marine sniper Mick Skinner (Svenson) and former ranger Jean Dempsey (Kidder).
Before they head out on Skinner's private plane, who has been doing research on Afghanistan and is very wealthy apparently, the sergeant comes to try and talk them out of it one last time. He brings out their medical records and mentions that they have bum hips, arthritis, and even taking viagra. As he leaves, Dempsey asks the group who's "the pervy old goat?" And, well, they all start bleating like goats. Actually, I can't say it sounded like they were pretending to be goats, more like they looked into the abyss, lost their sanity, and started making unhuman like screams.
They head into the heart of Afghanistan disguised as doctors to help aid the soldiers on the battlefield for injuries. They're surrounded by lush forests with plenty of pine trees, which a google search can show you that Afghanistan isn't just one giant desert. But the thing to point out is that while they do have pines and maples, the ones our heroes find themselves surrounded by are the wrong kinds.
When they arrive they take a large black van to head towards the nearest military base in the area. They take a rest stop for Dempsey to use the forest as a restroom when an army patrol drives by to investigate the local area.
So to make up for the limitation of not being near any deserts in the middle of Canada, the crew decided that the next best thing would be a rock quarry. It's painfully obvious that they're all in the middle of a quarry, one where they use a different location in it each time they're doing a firefight.
So the patrol is ambused after a landmine goes off, injuring the man arming the turret on their vehicle. The landmine going off looks more like a Power Ranger struck the monster of the week rather than an actual explosion.
The movie's landmine blowing up.
An actual landmine exploding.
Now I'm no expert on explosions, but I have a feeling that most (if not all) those in the patrol truck would have been perfectly safe from the explosion.
Not this guy though.
RIP in Peace.
So everyone, including the grandparents, takes cover and pull out their weapons against the attacking Afghani forces. Well, the grandparents don't really hide they just kind of stand there, wide open, and shoot their guns.
Pew pew pew, I'm a Navy SEAL
Another thing that I would like to point out here is that there are apparently not that many naturally tanned skinned people in Canada apparently, as in this world's movie most people from Afghanistan are white people with turbans covering their faces or really bad fake beards.
This guy in particular just makes me laugh. He's wearing a black turban surrounding every part of his head, including his eyes, a green plaid dress-shirt, khakis, and black dress shoes. It's like they found the most Canadian dad who was working in the quarry and asked him if he'd like to be in their movie.
So they take out their attackers and are able to get the guy on the turret to a nearby base to get patched up. The commanding officer of the base can basically see right through the old folks and calls them out, threatening he's going to find out what they're up to and send them back to the states. The sergeant from the beginning happens to be there as well. He introduces Skinner to Hitchcock and his band of overweight mercenaries with man-buns to get the grandparents a new vehicle since theirs got shot up.
So they get a small white bus as their new transportation, and the sergeant basically goes AWOL to help out the rag-tag group of elderlies with their mission. While they drive to their next destination, apparently all cadences are the same for every branch of the military, because they all just start singing along together. Once they get to their destination, where their grandchildren were ambushed, Skinner brings out new army uniforms for everyone but gave some the wrong ranks.
Also, we get this really out of the blue transition to enter and exit the scene where they try on the uniforms. It's a swivle effect, like one that you can find in a PowerPoint presentation.
They reach the outpost where their grandchildren were stationed and find their scorched items, like photos, guitars, and books lying around as well as a stockade of guns and ammo. As they all reminisce about their grandkids. Turns out even though most of these people served in the military, NONE of them have finger discipline. Their finger is right on the trigger, ready to shoot at any second.
It turns out that there are children scouting the area and alert a nearby troop of Afghani forces of their whereabouts. The sergeant sets off some explosives that are surrounding the outpost before they engage, causing one of their attackers to do a little bunny hop with his knee to fall over.
Of course a firefight ensues, and everyone starts easily taking out the enemy.
Also, this guy gets shot and has a big ol' red hole in the middle of his chest.
And not even two seconds later it's gone.
One thing to learn about this movie is that it's not at all consistent. Things kind of happen for no real reason what-so-ever. Like how in the same fight, our pervy Navy SEAL gets shot in his right wrist (to which he makes a painful expression BEFORE getting shot). But in the next shot it's his left wrist that's injured.
They're able to push back their attackers, and find out that this is the group that has their grandchildren. Even though they are right there in their line of site, the group heads back to base to get patched up.
While at the base, the commanding officer finds out who they are and what they're there for and informs them they are going back on the first flight back to the states. It's around here when to no one's surprise they're ambushed (it's a common theme). The grandparents show their worth and drive off the attacking forces, and the commanding officer decides to look the other way.
Hancock allows the group to stay with him, and thinks his men know where their grandchildren are being taken off to. Dempsey takes a look at Hancock's delivery board with an ominous expression, and then we're pushed into the next scene.
So while the grandparents distract the guards, Hancock and his men rescue the grandchildren. Sounds pretty straight forward, right? Well as it turns out, Hancock only helped them so he could invade the base for drugs and weapons and leaves the captured soldiers behind.
While this is all happening there's some forced tension between Jones (Gossett) and Skinner. Gossett is upset with Skinner acting like he's the one in charge, and wants everyone to salute him. I just want to note that no one has saluted him this entire movie, and we're past the one hour mark.
The gang head into the nearest town with their tails between their legs, feeling ultimately defeated. Apparently the reason Skinner has been a jerk to the entire crew is to test their loyalty to the mission. He makes a fake threat about hiring mercenaries to replace them because they're too old and slowing down the mission. Jones goes off on a rant, says he'll do it without him, and that somehow earns Skinner's trust.
After this Skinner starts assigning them the correct ranks, and giving them guns to show that he's not at all a bad person. He just likes to be a do arrogant things to test his crew for their loyalty. What a man.
They're able to track down Hancock's truck, thanks to Dempsey looking at his delivery board, and steal it. The stuff that Hancock stole belongs to a local arms peddler, gang leader, or whatever he is (they're never quite clear), and they get in touch with his French lawyer they met for half a second in one scene in order to make a trade for their grandchildren.
The grandparents rigged the truck full of the enemy's supplies with explosives in case the deal turned sour.
Well right when they're about to get their grandkids back, Hancock shows up and steals the trigger away from Skinner. The gang leader snags a gun and again holds the missing soldiers hostage again for his escape.
I'll spare you most of the details of the final few minutes, as it's quite boring. So they take the grandchildren to the other side of the rock quarry. The Afghani leader and Hancock start to make a trade deal as the grandparents are able to rescue their grandchildren. So once they're all back at the bus, rather than fleeing they decide to stay and fight the remaining forces. They're overpowered and are held hostage, again, and the leader informs his troops to kill them as soon as he leaves with the goods.
Turns out during the firefight, Hancock accidentally dropped the trigger. So as it seems like the bad guys are just about to leave, Skinner steps on the detonator and explodes the truck. The troops fight the distracted Afghans, take their weapons, and are able to leave the scene in peace.
The movie wasn't the worst I've ever seen, but it was still pretty bad. There were so many military and cinematic faux pas that you can't help but groan throughout the entire film. It felt like a very pitiful attempt at making an action flick with some older stars, and it ended up feeling like "listen to these old people talk for an hour and a half with some explosions and gunfire mixed in." It's certainly not an easy film to sit through unless you're watching with another person to make fun of it. To make it especially funny for yourself, watch it with someone who is or has served in the military like I did. They'll get so upset about the most basic things that this movie overlooks, and it will make the movie ten times more bearable.
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